Does anyone else think about death daily? I realized only within the last few weeks that I think about death a lot. But this wasn’t always the case. It was around the time my father-in-law fell ill in 2023 that I really started to contemplate death, mortality, and life after death. It started first with going down an internet rabbit hole reading about near death experiences. Next was an interest in hospice nurse recollections of patient experiences on their deathbeds. And then it was how to prepare an estate for a death (which is complicated and I still don’t understand it all) and so forth. Is there an afterlife? What does living for today really mean? How can I best prepare myself or my loved ones to handle a death if it comes?
Talking about death isn’t “normal”
It’s not “normal” to talk about death in the United States. It’s awkward, uncomfortable, and obviously sad to think about loss. We dance around conversations, and push them off until it’s time to actually deal with them. Some argue it’s because fewer people remain religious – so there is no thought of an afterlife. Or that death is too removed from our culture now due to improved protections, regulations, and modern medicine (for example, windy roads are paved, many with guard rails; the majority of us no longer need to fear predators attacking us in our backyards). Some think that talking about death will make it more likely to happen.
Katherine Sleeman, Palliative Medicine Registrar at the Cicely Saunders Institute believes that talking about death will make it less scary (and also lead to improved quality of life for dying patients). She notes, “We prepare about the arrival of a new baby, we plan for it, we think about what we are going to buy and what we are going to call the new baby. It is part of our daily life, our conversation. Why do we not prepare for our death in the same way? I would like everyone to have a good death but we can’t achieve that unless we as a society stop whispering and start talking about it.” (Source: Katherine Sleeman speaking at the Imagining the Future of Medicine, Royal Albert Hall in April 2014).
If death is inevitable, how should we be living?
Death has gotten me thinking more about what it means to live a fulfilling life. We don’t know when we will die, but how many regrets will we have when that day comes?
In Bhutan, one of the happiest countries in the world, you’re expected to think about death 5 times a day. It seems odd that thinking about something so depressing and morbid could contribute in any way to happiness, but somehow it does. And it also does not mean that the country doesn’t ever experience fear or sadness. This article comments that part of the difference is that the Bhutanese “…don’t flee from these emotions. ‘We in the West want to fix it if we’re sad…we fear sadness. It’s something to get over, medicate. In Bhutan there’s an acceptance. It’s a part of life.’”
I heard an analogy that death is like we’re all walking towards a cliff. If you know you’re eventually going to go off that cliff, why not choose to take the scenic route? Why not think more about how you’re going to make it to the cliff? Thinking about death has made me re-frame my decisions, and how I perceive the world around me. It has made me more appreciative and kind to myself and others.
How thinking about death has influenced what I do
Sometimes I ask myself what I’ll regret about my day today if I die tomorrow. Did I tell my husband I love him enough? Was I compassionate? Did I get to do something meaningful? I often will make at least one change as a result of these thoughts (even if it is something small, like moving a spider outside).
Obviously if I knew with 100% certainty that I will die tomorrow, I wouldn’t be going to work. I’d find other things to do. So I’m not trying to “yolo” it up every day, but instead try to balance reducing regret and finding fulfillment – knowing I still have bills to pay for the foreseeable future. Below are examples of how thinking about death has changed my perspectives or behavior.
More discipline for when I start or stop working
This life is about more than just my full-time job, so I am trying to find ways to grow personally outside of work (not gonna lie- it’s been hard). I need the time to be able to do that though. I now have dedicated “me” time in the morning. This means that I no longer roll out of bed and onto my laptop at 6:30. Instead I wake up, get ready, make coffee, do some reading, and perhaps some meditating or journalling. In the evenings I will sign off at a normal hour (or even early) so I can go to the gym or start preparing dinner.
Being more compassionate
The New Oxford American Dictionary defines compassion as “sympathetic pity and concern for the sufferings or misfortunes of others.” Compassion helps improve connection with others and build more meaningful relationships. It has been shown to improve mental health and overall well being. Becoming more compassionate has helped me feel more connected to what is around me, helped me to become more empathic, feel more gratitude, and overall acceptance of my own feelings and the world around me.
I’ve tried to develop compassion starting on a smaller scale. Today I am more likely to move a bug outside vs. killing it (I’m still working on my compassion for mosquitoes and fruit flies – not sure I’ll ever get there). I’ve also tried to cut back on my meat consumption (to reduce animal suffering and related effects on climate change).
While driving- I let more cars into my lane now than I have before. I certainly appreciate when others let me turn or merge into their lane. It’s not like letting in a car is going to make me much later than I already am. Maybe that car will return the favor. In the grand scheme of things, it matters so little. And maybe it’s one small thing that helps someone who’s having a very bad day.
Making different long-term decisions
Let’s say Mr. Nacho and I only have 20 more years left. We want to be able to enjoy at least the latter part of those 20 years as much as we can. I’m not sure we will want to grind it out in the corporate world forever. I don’t have many hobbies so it could very well be that maybe I’ll want to keep working a similar job until I retire. I’m hoping that I can save enough for retirement that I can take a different role if I decide that is what I want to do. Or take a sabbatical to travel or work on a project. Relationships and experiences matter – not just work.
I’ve read a handful of stories about regrets people have on their deathbeds, one of which is wishing they didn’t work so hard. In Bronnie Ware’s book The Top Five Regrets of the Dying, during her time as a nurse she recounted a story of a man whose wife begged him to stop working so they could retire and travel together. He kept pushing it off until he finally gave in to stop working and retired, only to find that his wife was diagnosed with a terminal illness around that same time and could no longer travel or spend a full retirement with him.
Mr. Nacho and I don’t have definite plans or timelines for what we want to do in the future yet. What I do know is that I want to set myself up with the option of doing things differently. This means saving as much as I can for retirement, reading up on ideas, planning for our West Virginia land, or exploring different interests now to see what I might want to pursue later.
Reduce the administrative burden after passing
When we die, our loved ones will have to deal with both grief AND all the other administrative headaches associated with that death. I want to reduce all the unnecessary burden as possible for Mr. Nacho. The last thing I want is for him to be grieving while also digging through emails to find what accounts even exist, or calling company after company to tell them repeatedly, “my wife passed” and trying to figure out how to access or close out accounts.
To that end, we’ve collected all our account names and started a checklist of whether or not we are listed as beneficiaries or are still needed. NOTE that some states default to dividing remaining assets of the deceased between both the surviving spouse and the parents of the deceased. As of 2024, this is the inheritance law in Colorado. If you are curious about other states, you can Google “Intestate Succession” + [state name] to see specifics for other states.
So far we have gathered all the accounts we have (not necessarily passwords), and taken action to list each other as beneficiary where possible. There are other things which I have read are a pain to deal with, which Mr. Nacho and I still need to do. For example, ensuring that both our names are on the mortgage. We have not yet created a will or end of life instructions.
Preparing for how to deal with grief (mindfulness)
I’m strengthening the ways in which I’d like to prepare myself for how to best handle death and grief. There’s no stopping the emotions once it hits you, and it’s different for everyone. However I want to ensure that I have as many tools as possible to deal with it as best I can. The number one thing I think will help me most is strengthening the muscles of mindfulness and meditation. I expect that by confronting my feelings with love and openness, that I will be able to process grief more effectively.
If I can get better at being present, quieting my racing mind, observing that thoughts can come and go (as opposed to letting my emotions control me), the better I can manage my grief. I know that grief can consume all thoughts, all the time. So by developing the skill of being able to focus on my breath, or scan my body from head to toe, recognizing that emotions and thoughts will come and pass, instead of going down the rabbit hole of despair. I can calm myself down. I can observe the emotions without letting them consume me as much as they might normally without this mindfulness practice.
It’s important to note that this does NOT mean suppressing, controlling, or changing the emotions. It’s still allowing the feelings to be there. You just try not to attach a thought to it.
For example, if I feel anger, sadness, or regret that I lost an opportunity to say goodbye to a loved one who has passed, instead of thinking “I can’t believe I was stubborn enough to not return that phone call and I’ll never forgive myself”, I would allow myself to feel the emotions, but not justify the thought. Be able to feel the emotion without justifying why I should feel that way. And even if that thought crosses my mind, I can observe it, but not get on that train. I can avoid going down the rabbit hole of racing thoughts. These are all skills that come with time with meditation.
Meditation does not come naturally – despite what you might think. It is an ongoing practice. I started with 5 minutes a day, and I slowly upped my time over weeks. I started with a Headspace trial, but now use Insight Timer (using a guided meditation like “Deep Healing”, or just the bell). Other options include Gaia, Tapping Solution (for tapping meditations) or Apple Fitness also has meditations available.
I often think about how I can give Mr. Nacho tools for better handling grief as well. He’s not much into meditation or mindfulness. Once in a while I’ve reminded him that physical objects are just that – physical objects. All my possessions, or gifts I’ve given him are just “things”, and to not get attached to the physical thing we own.
Books I’ve saved for Mr. Nacho
I’ve also started a list of books that I thought could be helpful if he were interested. They are NOT self-help books on how to deal with grief, but rather books that describe someone else’s experiences with loss of a loved one, new perspectives on what happens to us as part of our life story, and the possibility that we will see each other again. I only have 3 on the list so far and they are listed below.
- Wired for Love: A Neuroscientist’s Journey Through Romance, Loss, and the Essence of Human Connection by Stephanie Cacioppo
- The reason why I suggest this book is because the author writes about her grief of the loss of the love of her life. I suggest this book in case it would be comforting to read about someone else going through the same heartache. Maybe there is some solace in that.
- Here’s the description from Amazon:
At thirty-seven, Dr. Stephanie Cacioppo was content to be single. She was fulfilled by her work on the neuroscience of romantic love―how finding and growing with a partner literally reshapes our brains. That was, until she met the foremost neuroscientist of loneliness. A whirlwind romance led to marriage and to sharing an office at the University of Chicago. After seven years of being inseparable at work and at home, Stephanie lost her beloved husband, John, following his intense battle with cancer.
In Wired for Love, Stephanie tells not just a science story but also a love story. She shares revelatory insights into how and why we fall in love, what makes love last, and how we process love lost―all grounded in cutting-edge findings in brain chemistry and behavioral science. Woven through it all is her moving personal story, from astonishment to unbreakable bond to grief and healing. Her experience and her work enrich each other, creating a singular blend of science and lyricism that’s essential reading for anyone looking for connection.
- The Beggar King and the Secret of Happiness: A True Story by Joel ben Izzy
- This is likely one of my favorite books at the moment. Through reading this book, I hope he sees everything that happens as part of the bigger picture story. Our lives (stories) are overflowing with meaning, and never predictable.
- Description from Amazon:
The Beggar King and the Secret of Happiness is that rare, magical book—a book that tells a good story but also shows us how the tales we learned when we were children shed light on our adult lives. Joel ben Izzy had the unusual opportunity to relive those lessons when he lost his voice and reconnected with his old teacher, Lenny, a retired storyteller. Through his meetings with Lenny, Joel rediscovers the wisdom of ancient tales and takes us on a journey into a world of beggars and kings, monks and tigers, lost horses and buried treasures—and in the end tells us the secret of happiness.
- The In-Between: Unforgettable Encounters During Life’s Final Moments by Hadley Vlahos R.N.
- This book will help you dispel fear and find peace with the idea of dying. It also further suggests that there is the possibility of an afterlife, and that we’ll see each other again.
- Description from Amazon:
Talking about death and dying is considered taboo in polite company, and even in the medical field. Our ideas about dying are confusing at best: Will our memories flash before our eyes? Regrets consume our thoughts? Does a bright light appear at the end of a tunnel? For most people, it will be a slower process, one eased with preparedness, good humor, and a bit of faith. At the forefront of changing attitudes around palliative care is hospice nurse Hadley Vlahos, who shows that end-of-life care can teach us just as much about how to live as it does about how we die.
Cultivating relationships and telling my loved ones what they mean to me
It’s so hard to maintain and grow relationships if friends are far away. I’ve moved around a lot in my adult life, and so the close friendships I’ve developed in different states have stagnated often because it’s so hard to see friends when they are a flight away or have young families. Candidly, I’m still trying to figure out how to better cultivate the relationships I have (or even create new ones). I’ve set up a quarterly get together with old coworkers. I’ve talked with some friends about setting up quarterly, if not monthly calls. I am still trying to invest and find the best ways to cultivate these relationships – so if you have any tips, please share!
If Mr. Nacho or I were to pass away, I don’t want to regret not telling him how much I love him. I tell him a lot already, but if I’m on the fence about expressing what I appreciate or love about him, I’ll do it more often than not. I also make sure to tell him every morning before he leaves for work.
I will note that I still have a difficult time telling my friends and family (besides Mr. Nacho) that I care for them and appreciate them and how much they mean to me. I’m still working on getting used to having these types of conversations with friends and especially family.
That’s all for now. I hope this post wasn’t too depressing. Instead, I hope it helps you think more about how to live. Conversations about death can be what is needed to spark a greater focus and appreciation for each other and the things all around us.
Here are additional articles to read on this topic if you are interested:
- Want to Feel Happier and More Fulfilled? Science Says Think About Death a Lot More Often, Starting Today: Research shows contemplating death won’t make you sad; thinking about death will make you think about truly living – Jeff Haden (Inc.)
- Think About Your Death and Live Better – Arthur Brooks (The Atlantic)
