This week I’m going to dive into a suuuper popular topic: headstone planning! I’m sure everyone is just dying to read more about this :). Nothing says “cheerful blog” like another post about death.
One of my late father-in-law’s final requests was that he have a headstone placed in his church cemetery, so we’ve been working to make that happen. I thought I’d write about my experience so far exploring this process.
Called the church to ask about buying a burial plot
There was a minimum purchase requirement
I spoke with the head of the Cemetery Committee to let them know we wanted to purchase a burial plot. We initially wanted to buy just one plot, but at this church, the minimum to purchase is two plots. They used the term “cemetery lot” rather than a single burial plot. From what I’ve gathered, a cemetery lot typically refers more to a family plot (i.e., a section that includes multiple grave sites). The plots are side by side, and not “double depth” plots, which are graves stacked on top of each other.
And church membership requirements
They made clear that to purchase a cemetery lot, at least one of the individuals must have been a member of the church (which applies to my father-in-law.) The second plot, however, does not require an individual to be a member of the church.
Since we only needed the one plot, I asked (half jokingly…) if we could use the second plot as a garden, and the answer was no :). Figured it was worth asking.
Headstone coordination
During the call, we mentioned that we planned to work with the local funeral home to order the headstone. This seems like a good way to go (vs. ordering from an online company), just because the funeral home and church have worked together so often already. They can more easily coordinate the headstone’s placement and delivery.
We didn’t ask about any specific guidelines for headstones, but that would’ve been a good time to ask if there were any guidelines or restrictions for the type of headstones.
Payment and choosing the specific lots
Because the church isn’t local to us, we were asked to mail a $500 check to the church. We included the deceased’s name, date of birth, and date of death. We aren’t planning to do any sort of burials, so I assume that including the actual burial would involve additional costs beyond the cost of just the cemetery lot. Before the church cashed the check, they also asked us to sign a certificate confirming ownership of the plots.
As far as choosing the specific lots themselves, since the church isn’t local, the head of the cemetery committee was going to take photos of available lots for us to choose from. But we were in town one weekend and were able to meet her and see what was available in person.
Choosing and designing a headstone
I have never given much thought into choosing a headstone (there hadn’t been a reason to do so until now). I was surprised by how many options there were. I didn’t know where to start.
When I first called the funeral home to inquire about buying a headstone, they basically said “just take a photo of a headstone you like and we can go from there”. That gave us some freedom, but I don’t spend time in cemeteries, and it still felt overwhelming. I also knew that a really cool, elaborate headstone would be more expensive.
Since we’re not local to the area, they said we could send an email with the details of what we wanted. From there they could have the headstone company create a mockup for us to review.
Stone type and color
Most headstones are made of granite, but other stones like marble, sandstone, limestone, and slate are also used. We went with granite, as it’s the most durable against the elements and requires the least amount of maintenance. Being durable against the elements means that the inscriptions will be readable for longer than other softer stones like marble. Marble is also more expensive and more prone to erosion.
We chose to do light grey granite, with polished stone only on the top. I was surprised to learn that granite can come in a variety of colors, including red, pink, green, and blue.
Headstone style
We decided to go with a traditional upright headstone, but there were other options we considered too: flat (flush with the ground), slant, or something more custom/unique.
Flat markers are typically easier to clean and maintain, though they also over time may sink into the ground. I’ve read though that many cemeteries have maintenance programs to raise and level the markers over time as needed.
Slant headstones sit at an angle on top of a base. They are more affordable and sit lower in height than a traditional upright headstone. Having the headstone on a slant makes it easier to read up close, but can be harder to spot from far away (and depending on the location/climate, could be completely covered in snow).
Top shape
The most popular top shape is the serpentine (or “ogee”). This is a flowing, wave-like design. We were going to originally go with a serpentine top, but decided to switch to a semi-oval (or half-round) top instead. Semi-oval is a smooth, rounded shape that forms a gentle arch across the top edge. There are a ton of options out there to choose from, so it’s worth browsing examples to get a sense of what feels right. I felt something simple like a serpentine or semi-oval top would be the right fit for the headstone (and my husband agreed).
Inscription and font
After reviewing with Mr. Nacho’s mom and sister, we chose to keep the inscription simple with just a name, dates of birth and death, and the phrases:
Cruisin’ Heaven’s Highways
Forever in Our Hearts
These lines felt really fitting. My father-in-law loved cars, spent time at car shows, and enjoyed fixing them up. We reviewed at a lot of ideas from ChatGPT. We also briefly considered using one of his best recipes as part of the inscription as well. He made great potato salads. In reality though it was just the recipe from the back of the Hellman’s Mayonnaise jar. And it would have been way too long for the space we had.
As for fonts/typography, recommendations are to use either Serif (e.g., Garamond, Times New Roman, Georgia) or Sans Serif fonts (e.g., Arial, Helvetica, Calibri). Sans Serif fonts provide a more modern and minimal feel. They don’t have the decorative stroke (serifs) at the end of each letter.
We planned to request the use of Garamond, but forgot to mention it in my email to the funeral home (and they didn’t ask). I suppose they’ll choose something standard or suitable for the stone. They did suggest that using a script font for the phrases would be nice, and we agreed to give it a go since they are the experts! We are expecting the mockups some time next week.
Cost and ordering
We haven’t received an official quote yet, but we expect one after reviewing the design mockups. From what we’ve seen online, these headstones can range from $1,000 to $3,000. The funeral home orders their headstones from out of state and it can take anywhere from 3 weeks to a few months to make and ship the order.
Final thoughts
While this overall process was a little overwhelming at first, it turned out to be more meaningful than I expected. Choosing the shape, words, and material gave us a way to reflect on who my father-in-law was and how we want him to be remembered.
