As I approach 40, I’m more acutely aware of the more noticeable changes to my body. I get injured more easily. There is more visible sagging (and wrinkles). I accept these changes, but I do in the back of my mind mourn a younger, more active, me. I wonder if over time I’ll continue to embrace these continued changes, or if I’ll struggle.
American culture deeply values youth and beauty, which is reflected in the media we consume. This multi-billion dollar industry feeds on our insecurities and shapes how we think. We are constantly marketed products meant to “reverse” aging. This constant media exposure leads us to criticize our own appearance and that of others. It’s almost inevitable that our sense of beauty would become a large part of our self-worth.
Discomfort with aging is more about identity than vanity
I hear about so many women who struggle with aging. We’re constantly seeking out the latest serums and creams to slow the signs of it. We dabble in Botox, fillers, and plastic surgery. Our sense of identity and self worth is wrapped up in this long-running narrative of considering ourselves beautiful. We get external validation from it. Heck, we’re even treated better and get privileges from it. When this has been the norm for most of our lives, it’s extremely difficult to decouple our self worth from how we look.
Our sense of our self and identity changes as we age. It’s not dissimilar to an athlete whose identity is tied to their sport. When they get injured and can no longer play, they must find a new sense of self. I saw something similar with my father, whose entire identity was “a hard working, and successful businessman”. Years ago, he had to involuntarily shut down his business, and as a result, fell into a deep depression. The identity he held for 50 years ended abruptly and he felt aimlessly lost and without purpose.
That’s the revelation I’ve come to. It’s not our vanity or appearance that we mourn; it’s the identity that has been connected to it for so long. Honestly, we could replace “vanity” with anything tied to our identity–being a mom, our partner, our work, our wealth. We never know what will happen or who or what we might lose. Our identity can change (and so can our definition of beauty and who we are).
Our sense of self can come from many things. It can come from who we are in our relationships, the compassion we have for others, or the things that make us proud or excite us.
And what if instead of “you look old”, the narrative is really, “you look your age”? Why isn’t that an acceptable response? Why isn’t that something to be proud of?
Aging is a privilege
Aging is a privilege that not everyone gets to experience. People are taken too soon. If we’re lucky, we get to age.
We have lived through decades of pain, struggles, laughter, relationships, travel, heartbreak, mourning, travel, and the list goes on. This range of emotions, experience, and wisdom is beautiful and is what makes us human. It’s amazing that we get to be in awe of this earth, and spend time with the ones we love.
The signs of aging are symbolic. Gray hairs and fine lines show growth and maturation. These are signs of a full life. When I see Mr. Nacho’s grays appearing, I see the years that have shaped him into who he is today. I see the hardships he’s overcome and the heartache for lost loved ones. I see the years of friendship and loyalty he’s built with good people. When I look at his aging hands, I’ll remember the joyful years he’s spent building, gardening, fishing, and working on cars with his dad. And, of course, I’ll think of how we’ve navigated this ordinary (arguably extraordinary) life together, hand in hand, night after night. Hands that cradled our cat and cooked our favorite meals.
The alternative to aging is death. And when our loved ones pass, it’s never about what they wore or how they looked. It’s always about who they were and how they made us and those around us feel.
Aging is a privilege, which means we should take care of our bodies while we still have them. Over time we’ll lose the ability to do things. So we should focus on what our bodies can do today (walk, explore, consume, create).
Be present with who you are today
Recently, I found photos of myself from 5-10 years ago and thought to myself how pretty I was back then. But at the time those photos were taken, I remember thinking I wasn’t. I thought they were terrible photos. The truth is, I was pretty–I just didn’t see it. Again – beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Our idea of beauty can and does change.
Don’t make this same mistake. If you don’t accept yourself now, you’ll look back many years later and regret not seeing how beautiful you are today.
Aging doesn’t stop, so the best thing we can do is to be present with ourselves. Focus and appreciate what your body can do (not what it used to be able to do) and build on the things that will enable you to continue to do more for as long as possible. Manage stress. Drink water. Do cardio. Build strength. Improve balance and mobility. Read. Dance. Learn.
There will be a day when we’ll wish we had the ability to do things, like drive. To have the ability to live independently and without assistance. We’ll wish we could move around without getting tired or needing to sit down. It’s important to find ways to keep healthy and joyful so we can continue to live a quality life.
Some final thoughts
I’m not suggesting that looks don’t matter or that we shouldn’t care. What I’m saying is that whatever we do should make us feel good about ourselves. The key word is “us”. Our self-worth does not come externally. Not from our mothers, and not from the stares and catcalls of men on the street. Heck, not even our partners (sorry, Mr. Nacho). We owe it to ourselves to find happiness from within and create our own definition of beautiful. Beauty doesn’t run out–it changes.
We’re lucky to be on this earth and to have what we have. Do whatever makes you feel strong, beautiful, and confident. And again, this could be using serums, creams, or surgeries–just do it for you. Don’t compare yourself to others. In the end, everyone has opinions you can’t control. Your self worth is not based on what others think; it comes from within.
One last thought—a podcast recommendation. Julia Louis-Dreyfus has a really lovely podcast called Wiser Than Me where she talks with iconic older women. I love hearing their stories and perspectives as I have gained so much wisdom from these women who have lived through so much. I’ve listened to the 2023 episodes and will start the 2024 ones soon. My favorite episode so far is the one with Isabel Allende (April 2023).
Listen to the podcast on Apple or Spotify
Wiser Than Me Description:
Each week, [Julia] has funny, touching, personal conversations with iconic older women who are brimming with the kind of unapologetic attitude and wisdom that only comes with age. Julia sits at the feet of some extraordinary teachers this season, and of course her 90-year-old mom, Judy. Tune in to laugh, cry and get wise. All Hail Old Women!
